Yeah…I’m Jonny Midas and this, as they say, is my story…
It started yesterday morning, no big bangs, bells, whistles or flashing lights, no, I was just thinking I wish those DVD’s I ordered online would come today…and there was the postman ringing the doorbell. Now, nothing clever about that is there…but then I pop to the supermarket to pick up a few bits.
Strange places supermarkets, they always play music that sort of fits the mood, don’t they? They reckon playing a bit of classical gets shoppers to buy dearer wine. I, usually, stick a bit of ambient stuff on my MP3, but today…I didn’t have to, never heard a supermarket playing tunes like that before. So, I am hoping they have got that olive and sun dried tomato pasta sauce, they never have that, always sold out. but, boom! Just had a delivery, got as many jars as I want, nice.
Then at the checkout, well, there’s this girl who works there, drop dead gorgeous, so I’m thinking…wonder what she looks like naked and…Phoom! There she is, not a stitch on! ‘course I can only see her top half which, it has to be said, should be more than enough for any red blooded bloke but, well, I’m wishing she’d stand up, well you have to, don’t you?…she has to reset the weighing thing, up she gets, oh yes. I’m on a roll now, can’t get nakedness out of my head, the bunch of girls from the art college buying smellies, all nude, the other two check out girls, not bad…I’m wishing like mad now…oh my days, that cute receptionist from the doctors, only five foot in her socks, not that she had any on, stretching up to get something off a high shelf, bless her….then I clap eyes on me Gran an’ Grandad…he’s bending over the chest freezer and she has a medium size courgette in her hand and a look of intent on her face, it looks like some bizarre cryogenic experiment gone horribly wrong…I have to get out quick for a breath of fresh air. I’m standing there wishing I had asked the checkout girl out on a date. She comes running out to me. I had left my crab paste in the rush to exit and she ends up asking me out!
By the way, the crab paste? Chill cabinet not pharmacy department.
Everything man, everything. That evening I do the lottery, win the jackpot, marry Tracy the checkout girl in Vegas, hit the casinos, win, win, win. In fact, sometimes I wish to lose just to keep the casino management from getting too suspicious.
Well, I could win, spend, and win again the next day. Anything I wished for and it was mine. The checkout girl and me, the marriage didn’t last. She gave me all I wished for but it got boring after that. Anyway I could have whoever I wanted, supermodels, popstars, the girl next door, the girl next to the girl next door. Anything and everything, all I had to do was just think it.
But after a time a man gets dissatisfied with a hedonistic lifestyle with no responsibilty, every carnal desire fulfilled, houses, cars, boats, every pleasure a thought away so after thirty three years of living the dream I decided it was time to do something useful with my gift.
Cured all the world’s diseases, poverty and hunger, child mortality, developed a new source of renewable energy and environmentally friendly supermarket carrier bags that you could open without having to rub them with your fingers, well, I felt it all started in a supermarket and I like to give something back.
All this caused serious over population, the bags didn’t, but the rest did. So then I had to wish for successful colonisation of other planetary systems, trust me to leave out just one little word…peaceful . It brought us into conflict with other life forms, so I had to then wish that everyone could just live in peace and harmony.
And so it went on. One day I just sat myself down and wished I had stayed in my home town with the girl from the supermarket. There’s the sound of a key in the door…”Hello Love”, she says, “You fallen asleep infront of the telly, again?” She sits down next to me and I say “Do you know, Trace, I wish none of this Midas touch stuff had ever happened”,
“What stuff?”, she says.
I was Jonny Midas and that was my story.